so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
