Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
