I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
