my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize