this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
