Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
