the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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