Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
