Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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