Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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