Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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