happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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