Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
