honey bunches of taint.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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