I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize