it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
please come you make the beer taste better
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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