DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i've created a new STD.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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