Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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