I wish they made helmets for livers.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
