i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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