So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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