i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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