is your mom at the bar?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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