life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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