i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
