my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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