I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
