nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
