he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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