it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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