I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
