Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
