I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
