Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
