I wish I only lived at night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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