Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
