I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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