I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
