Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
