If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I didn't notice because vodka
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
