i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
