i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
