Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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