My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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