something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
