we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
