I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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