what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
