Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
