wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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