he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
