you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
