I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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