Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
