So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You pole danced in your parka.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
