I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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