I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
