Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
